I thought for a moment about what she calls problem. Why do I need to refuse the juice she offers even though I know it will bring her joy to give to me? Why did I feel discomfort in my body every time something like this happened? I think I can rationalize in two ways.
I want her to enjoy things for herself. To give all that love she pours into those around her back into herself. I recognize her way of being and relating is how most members of our family were raised: to give to others as much as you can; to be giving even if it means you will have less.
And when I thought harder, I recognized in her eyes and her tone of voice, a deep fear of the future. Of my departure. Of the moment when I leave and will no longer have fresh mandarine juice from the mandarine tree in Tibacuy picked by Ceci and guarded by Nemo, the dog. Fear that there will be a time in the future where I will drink another type of juice, sitting in another dining room, at a different time of day, and most importantly for this rationale, without her by my side.
Jerf, it means a lot that this particular passage stood out to you. Always so appreciative of your support and attention to detail. Thanks for reading.
This sums up so very much;
I thought for a moment about what she calls problem. Why do I need to refuse the juice she offers even though I know it will bring her joy to give to me? Why did I feel discomfort in my body every time something like this happened? I think I can rationalize in two ways.
I want her to enjoy things for herself. To give all that love she pours into those around her back into herself. I recognize her way of being and relating is how most members of our family were raised: to give to others as much as you can; to be giving even if it means you will have less.
And when I thought harder, I recognized in her eyes and her tone of voice, a deep fear of the future. Of my departure. Of the moment when I leave and will no longer have fresh mandarine juice from the mandarine tree in Tibacuy picked by Ceci and guarded by Nemo, the dog. Fear that there will be a time in the future where I will drink another type of juice, sitting in another dining room, at a different time of day, and most importantly for this rationale, without her by my side.
Jerf, it means a lot that this particular passage stood out to you. Always so appreciative of your support and attention to detail. Thanks for reading.
I really enjoy the thoughtfulness you put into these reflections.